I allow my life to be an open book, I feel that maybe there is someone out there that could benefit from my trials and tribulations, so to say. Yes, it leaves me open to be vulnerable, but I have nothing to hide and I hope that people can respect me enough to see through my issues and look for my good qualities.

I fear I have let my stress and anxiety get the best of me. I've turned into a bitter person. I try and enjoy the things that I used to but its just so hard. My kids keep me going and I put on a smile for them, they deserve all the world has to offer. I have a hard time letting go of anger. Its hard for me to think forward rather than behind. I always wonder what I could've done different to have a better outcome. And then I try and make myself stop worrying about what should've been and to focus on the future and then I get upset about where my future is going. Its a vicious cycle. My solution was starting school, which will happen jan 8, and I'm nervous about that and my ability to continue my role as mommy while I'm a student. (I'm not a very good muti-tasker!) I pray that one day, when I'm done with my schooling and have established myself in this world, that I can look back one day and be proud of how far I've come.

I'm not sure why I'm typing this, I guess I just needed to get it off my chest.

Continuing with my "Giving thanks" attitude, here are my thoughts today...

In the wake of this economic downturn, everyone has felt the financial strain to a degree. People are having to pull back on their spending, take less trips, eat in more often than out, and cut down on their shopping. Some people have lost their houses, cars, jobs, and some have lost everything.

As much as I despise many aspects of the military...I have to be positive about the "perks", but in all honesty, I don't think people realize how little we actually make. I try not to dwell on that, but sometimes the child in me has a hard time being happy for others that are able to do more and jealousy gets the best of me. I get jealous when I see the wonderful things that others can afford to do for their kids, and take trips, and make memories...but I have to pinch myself and realize that that's not what life is all about. When you give your child everything, they will always expect it. I've done my best to give my children everything they need, and yes to a degree they are spoiled, they don't (well, shouldn't) want for anything. They have a mommy and a daddy that care about them, they have a nice house to live in, a vehicle that fits us all, and insurance to cover their (many) sicknesses. When the holidays come around, I always have the hardest time stepping back and looking at what I have and realizing that I have all I need. There are so many others that don't have what I have so I need to just be grateful. So that's my goal, I'm not doing any Christmas shopping this year (sorry if you were expecting anything from me!!), I'm not going to give in to the sales and get my girls everything they want. I'm going to give them a life lesson.

We've been very fortunate to be a part of a wonderful program that has given us the opportunity to be adopted. I got a call from the organization that adopted us and as she was telling me all they were going to do, I just cried...and cried....and cried. These people don't even know me, don't know my children. They have families of their own to support and do Christmas for, but they are helping me and my family. I'm so overwhelmed with so many different emotions about it, but above all, I am grateful. SO GRATEFUL!! At first, I didn't want to say anything because I didn't want people to look down on me because we're poor, but you know what, we all go through hard times. This is no reason to judge me, this is not something that we saw coming. We are just a family struggling. It is by the grace of God and a wonderful family that we are "staying afloat".

One day, my girls will look back and wont remember that they may not have gotten every single thing they wanted for Christmas but they will have so many fond memories of family and times spent together and you know what, thats fine with me. I don't remember everything I got for Christmas as a child, but I remember singing with my family at church, I remember going to the grandparents and eating together and just laughing and playing and having great times. That's what I vow to give my kids and I hope that it is a tradition that they can carry on.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

I would like to take a second (or more) out of my busy day to sit down and think about what I'm thankful for, I hope to do this everyday up until Thanksgiving. I have been blessed beyond imagination and I am insanely grateful for all I've been given, but I don't spend enough time counting my blessings and showing my gratitude.

First of all, I would like to say thank you to my wonderful family. Times have been tough and we've all had our battles but at the end of the day we all prove what family is all about, and thats being there for each other. My grandparents are my biggest supporters, I don't know where I would be without them to (attempt to) guide me and give me advice...even if I don't always listen! I've never met anyone stronger and wiser than they are, and I know that anyone that knows them will agree. Thank you Pop Pop and Gigi (aka "best friend") for ALWAYS being there for me!

For those of you that don't know my grandparents, here is a story that does nothing but prove how much they love me.

When I got pregnant with Maya I wasn't married, and as religious as my family is...it was a pretty big deal. Some family and friends judged me and treated me differently but my grandparents never faltered in their support. They went out of their way to show they still loved me and tried in every way they could to keep my stress level down and a smile on my face. They were there for the birth every step of the way (Gigi even held my leg while I pushed!). When Maya was 5 months old we went on a little vacation to Martinsville to see some friends. Maya had extreme colic and had a few runny diapers one night which I figured was part of her teething. Well, the next morning I woke up and it was past the time for Maya to be up, I went over and checked on her and she had no coloring and was completely limp. I rushed her to the hospital and stood there watching as they tried to wake my baby and attempted to put an IV in her head because all of her other veins were not usable. I frantically called my grandparents on the way to the hospital to let them know what was going on and found out that they were on vacation at Emerald Isle with a bunch of friends from the church. They admitted Maya that day and put her in a room with a big crib (which I slept in with her). The next day my grandparents were there, they packed up early and did what needed to be done to be there for me. Maya spent a week in that hospital room and I don't know what I would've done without them (and SUSAN!!!). They stayed to help me pack my things and drive me home. I came home to a huge sign on the garage door saying "Welcome home Maya and Meagan!". I almost lost my baby that week to a Rotavirus. If I hadn't had them there (and Susan, of course) I don't know what I would've done.

Everyone in my family and that knows my grandparents can tell you similar stories about how they've helped them.

My mom, we can NOT live together, we get along great when we do not share a roof...that has pretty much been the same story my whole life. I know that if I ever need someone to get yelled at on my behalf, I can call my mom. Whenever I hear a song I wonder my mom has sang it on Myspace karaoke. Whenever I need a few hours to myself I know I can call my mom and she will be glad to take my rugrats for a little while. My girls adore her. My mom made a lot of mistakes (as we all do) but she's spent the last few years making up for the mistakes (and more) and has proven to me what an awesome person she is. Thank you mom for all you do for me and my girls, I know I don't say it enough!

Thank you to Dr._______ for informing me that I will never be able to carry a child. I love proving people wrong and I plan on making the drive up there one day with all 3 of my children to (even if he doesn't remember me) and thanking him for being wrong.

Thank you to my wonderful friends, you know who you are. I have the best support group a girl could ask for. Without these people in my life, I wouldn't have made it through this past year and a half. I've had a lot of the same friends for over half of my life, not many people can say that so I'm very grateful to be able to. I pray that you all know how much you mean to me!

There is so much more that I'm grateful for but these few "seconds" are cutting into my 'cleaning without kids' time so I must go. I promise to try and write more often, I always have so much to say and people to listen, just not enough hours in the day for me to share. Thank you for taking the time out of your hectic day to read this.

Megg

Is she 1 or 4?

Somedays I just want to pull my hair out because the stress of being a single mother of 3 is just way too much! Almost as if the kids know I've hit my breaking point, they do something to make me realize that its all worth it.

Yesterday, we were laying on a sheet in the grass watching cars go by and enjoying the beautiful weather. Maya decided that she was going to fix all of my "boo boos", (any kind of mark on my legs), so she took leaves and used them as band aids and used flowers to "treat" the boo boos. She kept telling me to "Be a lax" and at first I had NO clue what she was saying, then it hit me, she's telling me to 'Relax', lol!!

To beat the heat yesterday we filled a plastic storage bin with water to let the girls play in, it was just big enough so that they could both fit in there and sit. Jokingly, I asked Maya if I could get in too and she said, "No mommy, your butts too bigger.". She says these things so easily, she doesn't realize how blunt she really is. I really don't know where she got that edge from, I'm not like that. I'm blunt when I need to be, mainly when it comes to the kids, but its not an easy thing for me.

Today she has been whining about everything, I told her she sounds like a 1 year old and she started crying because she doesn't want to be 1, she wants to be 2. I sat her in time out for a minute and she sat there crying, saying "I don't want to be 1 anymore, I will be pour (four) now, I stop crying, peas (please)!!"

I try so hard to remember all of these things that she says, I want to tell her when she is older. Maya has always been so dramatic, since the day she was born. Everything about this child has been a production! If she is giving me this much of a hard time at 4, I can't imagine what she will have in store for me when she is 13. Pray for me.

The mouth of Maya

As most of you know, I have the wittiest 4 year old in the world. I never go a day without laughing later on about something she said earlier in the day, all I want to do is share the humor because I know so many others that have kids that are almost at this age and I want to give them a little taste of what they can expect...and the others because I know that they could use a good laugh:) This past year has been really hard on all of us and one of the biggest things that's kept us going is laughter. I try so hard to instill in my girls the importance of laughter, because Lord knows I do ALOT of it!!

When Maya was first born she was the most complicated baby and I honestly thought I was going to go crazy! Through the years she has grown into this little drama queen, I know she could have her own show if I let her. She is not afraid to tell you that you're fat, look pregnant, your hair is messed up, or that she farted. When she is about to poop in her pants she will tell you shes 'prairie doggin' and that's when you run. When we're in public bathrooms she will look under the stalls and talk to strangers. She will not hesitate to tell you when she doesn't like something or if she doesn't want it. I'm not sure where she gets this personality from, I'm not quite that out-spoken. Here are a few of her most recent quotes, I will try my best to keep it a regular thing. Enjoy!

From the mouth of a 4 year old:
"Mommy, why dat (that) man hab (have) toobies?"
"Mommy, why you hab a bigger butt?"
"Mommy, why your tummy wook (look) like dat?"
"Mommy, can I brush my teep (teeth) with some jack?" (Thanks Ke$ha)
One day at Wal-Mart an elderly man rode by us in one of the electric wheel chairs and he had some crazy hair but you could tell he just wasn't in a good mood, Maya looked right at him then looked at me and said, "Mommy, he wook (look) so mean!"

Last month when I was taking care of some paperwork for housing at the office Maya noticed that the man that was helping us had a mole on his face. I noticed her looking and I tried my best to distract her from staring at it because knowing her she was going to say something. She looked at me and said, "Mommy, what on him pace(face)?" , I hoped he didnt understand her and I said, "Yea, he has a real moustache. You know when you get a milk moustache? He has a real one." The man kind of looked at me like I was crazy and I looked at Maya and she said, "No mommy, what on him pace, right here!" and pointed to her face. I was dying because I wanted to laugh so hard but the poor man wasn't finding any humor in it, I leaned down and acted like I was getting something out of the diaper bag because I couldnt hold it in anymore. She saw my laughing and she said, "What mom, why you lapping(laughing)?"....lets just say it was very awkward.

Anytime we go into a public bathroom and anyone in any other stall passes gas, Maya always feels the need to call them out on it. Hearing her say "Ew mommy, she parted(farted)!" is pretty normal anytime we go anywhere with a public bathroom.

The more I do this, the more ideas I will get to make it a little easier to read. I will never run out of things to blog on here, that's for sure! Hope you enjoy!

"I'm a proud mom, I gave them life and they give me a reason to live."-Annonymous

YouTube - Justin Bieber - One Less Lonely Girl

YouTube - Justin Bieber - One Less Lonely Girl

145 days

145 days until my husband comes home and I can get my life back! I'm ready to get back to the way my life was before this deployment, but I know its going to be SO much better. I have so much to look forward to and I'm getting so impatient! On a good (great) note, I've lost 17 lbs on this new healthy outlook on life. I've gone down 3 pant sizes which is so beyond me, I've never had to diet before and never had an issue with my weight until I had kids...getting old stinks! I would love to have a completely new body by the time hubby comes home and having that goal is keeping me going. As much as I would love to get back down to the 120's like I was pre-Maya, I know that I need to focus on a more realistic goal, so I'm looking at the 140's because I know I can stay at that. I went shopping today and it was amazing to be able to shop at regular stores again, I got a couple of cute outfits and I look forward to MORE shopping in the near future ;)
It seems as is Spring has Sprung, or should I wait??? I'm loving the warm weather and I look forward to being able to take the girls outside daily to get some of that energy out! I see alot of zoo and park visits in the future with mylynda and the girls:)
I start school in May, I'm beyond nervous about it but I'm so excited to be doing something with my life! I'm still kind of sketchy on what I'm going to be studying but I hope that one day it will come to me. I'm happy that I'll be able to help support my family in the future, I just hope I'm able to balance my everyday mommy life with school...we shall see!
My stepdaughters and their mom are coming down to visit the end of this month, I'm beyond excited! I miss them and I know they all miss each other. I hate that we live so far apart and with my busy/crazy life I can't keep in touch like I want to but we always make up for it when all of them are together.
Maya will be 4 on sunday, 4!!! I feel like I just had her yesterday and she's already turning 4! I'm not ready for this at all, I feel like time is going by so slowly and then a birthday comes up and slaps me in the face! This year will be a new milestone for us, Pre-K...am i ready for this??? I see myself crying outside her door until school is let out, lol! I'm not used to being away from my babies. I know this willl be good for her and the interaction with other kids will help her in so many ways, but I'm selfish, I like to keep my girls to myself, lol!! Kidding!
I know this post was pretty random, but I'm a pretty random person anyway so its to be expected I guess:)

I always knew that deployments would be hard, but I had no idea it would be THIS hard. I went from having my own place with my husband and our 2 beautiful girls and a big preggo belly to just me and 3 beautiful girls..living with my mom. I'm just barely over half way done and I feel as if I'm running off of fumes. I think that certain circumstances in my life have made me stronger and gave me the tough skin to get by. There are still days that I do nothing but mope around and feel as if my glass is half empty. However, I have 3 of the most amazing children in my life that keep me going. 3 completely different personalities that keep me on my toes.
Maya is my first born, she will be 4 next month, (as much as I want her to stay 3, I know it won't happen). She is the most literal child I have ever met in my life, she is incredibly emotional, but so loving and takes her "big sister" role very seriously! She has the biggest imagination and some of the things that she comes up with are so off the wall that I laugh about it for days. For example: "Mommy, why your pace (face) not all pretty?", "Mommy, you cant be a pwincess, you just a boy", and "Daddy is just a mermaid." She can sit for hours and make the same snowman out of her play doh over and over again, she knows more about my DSI than I do, and she is now a backseat driver. She never ceases to amaze me with the things that she learns and retains on a daily basis. She goes to school every Friday and the only thing she looks forward to is seeing her boyfriend Jesse thats in her class, hes her "boypriend". She is my big girl and time is going by so fast, before I know it she will be in school.
Bonne Anne is my second born, she is two and a half. Out of all 3 she is my most loving child. The way she holds her baby dolls and barbies would make you think she's ready to babysit an infant (not that I recommend it!). Every 5 minutes she will find me just to tell me she loves me, and at any play place she will come over to me every few minutes to hug me and tell me she loves me. She loves to hug and doesn't know a stranger, she will wink at anyone to make you smile. She also has the most energy out of the 3, she is on the go non stop. She gets started at 6:30 and is on the go until she goes to bed at 8. I can't believe she will be 3 in July, I just cant keep up with time now-a-days...
Carlee Grace is my third (and last!!) born child. Carrying her was by far the hardest out of the 3, in so many ways. 12 weeks into my pregnancy we found out that George would be leaving for Kuwait, so right off the bat it was an incredibly stressful pregnancy. When I was 38 weeks pregnant we decided to go to the mall to walk around and I needed to get a few things for the girls...little did I know my water would break in the Dillards bathroom! My whole delivery was just as surprising as where my water broke. My epidural wore off at 8 cms so I felt E V E R Y T H I N G. After 2 grueling hours of pushing with benedryl in my system she was finally out. 8 lbs 9 oz, 22 inches long, not sure where she fit in my tummy, but I was pretty shocked at her size! Now, she is 15 weeks old...already... she loves to smile, laugh, and is so very nosey! She is a chunk at 18 lbs (I weighed 17 lbs when I was 1!!), but she is so beautiful. She looks nothing like me, she is the spitting image of her daddy, she has his hairline and everything. She loves her carseat, she sleeps in it at night and would rather sit in it all day. She has a little book that she sleeps with every night, if you take it out of her seat she will wake up crying. She's the happiest baby, and the easiest one, she also sleeps all night :)

I know in August my life will change all over again. I will have to get used to having my husband home and not having to do everything by myself. However, I am counting down the days until I have my hubby home again, I can't even put into words how much I miss him. We've been married for 3 years now, and evem though our marriage has not been easy, I know at the end of the day I can count on him to be there for me. We've both grown so much and I look forward to grow together as a couple even more when he gets home. This deployment has shown me just how much I love him and I love the family we make.

Hopefully I will have time to write on a daily basis (or at least close to it), ill try!!